“Poor Italians! Pizza, mafia, mandolino!” No, really. I’ve been thinking about for years and finally, after my last trip, I decided it’s time to write this: your ultimate guide on how to spot and avoid Italians when traveling!
“Why?” Because we are annoying under several aspects, and I don’t see the reason for you to have to deal with us when you’re traveling. I’m writing this for your own good; you’ll thank me later.
Being Italian myself, I’m the best one to write about this subject without involving some stupid nationalism or prejudices between countries. If you are not a touchy Italian, go on and read.
I met several specimens of Italians during my trips, and I have to say that, except for a minuscule minority, I often tend to feel ashamed when I recognize some of my compatriots. Like a continuous facepalm. Am I presumptuous? Maybe, but after being a “pizza eater” for more than 30 years, I know what I’m talking about!
What I don’t like about us it’s our lack of respect for everything we don’t know, or it’s not as in our country. For example, we always speak in Italian with everyone. Really, no matter if we’re in Spain, India, America or Finland (no wait, in Finland it’s too cold!), we just insist on speaking Italian and you have to adapt, sorry. In Italy, we usually joke about the Spanish language, that for us it’s like the Italian with an “s” at the end of the words (for example, thank you is grazie in Italian and gracias in Spanish), but even with these simple words of courtesy… gosh.
Another thing I really can’t understand is why we often look for an Italian restaurant to eat something that it’s Italian only by the name and then complain later about it. Now, our cuisine it’s world-renowned, but why don’t give a try to what other countries have to offer?
What I have been thinking for years, now, is the fact that maybe we are spoiled: we are, for example, the country with the most Unesco Heritage sites in the world. We have thousands of years of history and art, sacred and profane. We are home to Vatican City and the Pope. We discovered lands, invented things, dressed up VIPs, and made people happy with our food. So, we denigrate everyone else.
I don’t like this behavior, and I’m sad about it, but you shouldn’t! You will be happy as soon as you learn how to spot and avoid Italians!
By now I have all the knowledge necessary to spot them from far away, like a shark with a drop of blood in the ocean. I’m going to tell you how to recognize them as well, so you can be aware too.
How to spot Italians
I put the list following an increasing ratio of proximity/recognition: the closer you get to your suspects, the more you’ll realize their nationality.
- When we have children, usually they’re on the loose. Look for little, adorable brats, and you’ll find Italians. Italy now seems one of the countries with the lowest birthrate in the world, but in the meanwhile, you can use children as a trail to their Italian parents.
- We gesticulate a lot. It’s not a karate match, it’s not a fight, it’s just some Italians speaking.
- We can dress appropriately. Deal with it, in Italy we know how to match clothes from young ages, the rest of the world is still learning. So, if you spot someone fancy looking, no matter the age, Italian alert!
- We shout. If we don’t, we speak aloud. Or we are noisy. In any case, you can hear us. We are not very discreet, and we do nothing to hide the contrary. When you hear someone calling someone else from afar, 90% it’s Italian. Same goes talking on the phone: sometimes you can also hear the one speaking on the other side.
- We gather together, in communities. The bigger the group of people, the most probable is the chance they come from the belpaese. You might also find 3 or 4 generations all together, from a newborn to the one who endured WWI.
That said, with these five essential points you will spot an Italian person with an approximation of 96.31%.
Think about it: you’re peacefully eating with your partner in a restaurant when you hear some children throwing a tantrum. And the parents maybe even care. You got it, Italians. Perhaps in this situation, it will be already too late to avoid them, but with the following rules you’ll be able to travel hassle free, satisfaction guaranteed!
How to avoid Italians
Thanks to my previous, extremely useful tips, I give for granted you’re already a black belt in sighting Italians. You already know how to spot us, so you should also understand how to avoid us. In any case, next step is trying to avoid or get rid of us also when we are disguising well. These rules only apply outside Italy.
- Don’t EVER talk to us. If we approach you, don’t say a word. Just nod, smile or whatever, even if you understand what we are saying. We’ll eventually go away. Swearing at you, of course.
- Don’t go to an Italian restaurant. That’s easy. Then, c’mon, if you want to try our cuisine, come to Italy!
- Don’t speak about football (soccer). We are particularly chatty about football, and we always think to know everything better than the trainers. We don’t even care about the language you speak if we hear the name of some players or teams, we just intervene.
- Don’t go where you see kids. Another easy one. If you remember #1 from the previous list, you should have already taken precautions!
Mamma mia!!! (now you should nod). You see? You learned how to avoid Italians! Now you’re ready to enjoy your trip, without us around. You deserved it. I can already see it in my mind: ordinary, silent, predictable, and bland.
You know how to avoid Italians, but should you? Tell me in the comment section!
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